I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just googled if crying burns calories
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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