Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
