does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
