Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize
