walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
