Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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