Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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