My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
