Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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