The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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