My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
