Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
