The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
