Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
