is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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