I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
