Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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