my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
