I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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