I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
