If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
