New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
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I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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