I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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