if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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