So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
