I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
