my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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