When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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