I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
