I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just invented taco cereal.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize