Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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