Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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