dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
