all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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