I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
