are you still at the devil's house?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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