EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
