Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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