During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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