After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
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Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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