The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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