Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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