I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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