And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
