That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
