So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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