I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
