true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
