I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
