u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
