i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
