I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
