dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
