just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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