so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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